...are you okay?

This is how I start my conversations with students when there is a behavior issue:

"...are you okay?"

I looked up the word, "behavior" and I found the second definition fascinating:

"the way in which an animal or person acts in response to a particular situation or stimulus;"

I find it fascinating that not only does this apply to humans and animals, but the definition actually puts animals first. This helped me think about they situations and stimulus that my 8th graders are dealing with. Some are taking on adult-sized burdens.

Some are helping their brothers and sisters get ready for school.
Some are taking care of things around the home while parents work.

Some have alternate living arrangements. Living with a grandparent, aunt, friend...

The bottom line is when they walk into my classroom, I don't know what has happened over the past 24 hours so I am quick to listen and slow to anger. I wasn't always this way...

At the first school I taught at there was a 6th grader who was tardy every day. Being a young teacher I marked them absent without a question.

This is the rule.

You broke it. 

Tardy.

After about 10 days of this, I decided to take action. We stepped into the hallway and I explained the importance of being on time to class. A great lecture from a great teacher...RIGHT?!
Wrong.

This poor student broke down in tears. It was completely my fault for taking such a harsh approach. A little shook up from her response I asked, "...are you okay?"

They were not.

As it turns out, her mom had taken a new job and was working afternoons, not getting home until almost midnight. Bless this mom for doing what she had to do to take care of her children, but that meant that the burden of getting a 6th grader and a 4th grader dinner, homework done, cleaned up, and in bed was now squarely on the shoulders of a 6th grader. The reason this 6th grader was tardy is because thry would make sure their little brother was eating breakfast (at school) then getting him to class, then head upstairs to my room. 

I never marked her tardy again. That was an adult-sized burden. 

A few days ago I had an 8th grade student who was falling asleep in class. I run a pretty dynamic classroom, but at every chance, their head would go down on their desk, using their arm for a pillow.

After many years in the classroom, my response time has shortened from days to minutes and my approach much more passive and leaningin the direction of compassion.

While the students were in a "Pair-Share" period I quietly took the sleepy student in the hall and asked, "...are you okay?"

This student wasn't willing to open up to their issues, but they did share with me that they hadn't been sleeping well at home because of some family drama. I let them know that if there was anything I could do, I would do it. Two days later this student approached me and explained that some things had been worked out and they were sleeping much better. I was so happy! Happy that I had asked. Happy that things were better. Happy that they trusted in me to tell me things were better!

As we approach the holidays, some of our students are not okay. As we take time off from school, some of our students will be short on food, warmth, and attnetion.

Sometimes the stress of being taken out of the routine of school can overpower the joy of clebration.

It's heartbreaking, but it's reality.
I will never pretend to have all the answers, just making observations.