Stop saying, "I'm sorry."

Before you demand an apology from me...read on.

I didn't say, stop apologizing. I said, stop saying, "I'm sorry."

There is a more meaningful way to apologize.

Let's use an example to drive this point home.

Sam and Bill are both 3rd graders in the same class.

Sam walks over to Bill's desk, takes his pudding cup, and starts eating it. When Bill gets back from the water fountain, he sees Sam with a smile on his face as well as some of his pudding.  Bill is MAD and SAD! I would be too...I love pudding!

Bill starts crying and their teacher walks over to investigate. After about seven seconds, the truth is clear. The teacher reprimands Sam and he tucks his chin into his chest with a scowl on his face and says, "I'm sorry" as he storms away. 

Bill is still crying, Sam is upset that he got yelled at, and nothing has been rectified. On top of that, Bill and Sam will probably not be friends for the rest of the day.

Sam apologized, but it didn't mean anything. He said it because he knew he was supposed to, but it didn't have any meaning, feeling, or sincerity behind it. It was a "fire and forget" apology that did nothing to show remorse, support the healing of Bill, or mend their friendship.

newvoices.org

When something happens where an apology is warranted, there was usually a power imbalance in which the person who did the wrong thing took power away from whoever was wronged. In this case, Sam took the power away from Bill by taking his pudding cup and eating it. Bill was wronged by Sam. Let's see how we can remedy this power imbalance by having Sam apologize in a more meaningful way. 

Sam says to Bill, "Bill. Please forgive me for taking your pudding cup and eating it."

Sam, who originally had the power advantage, just tipped the scale in Sam's direction by the way he worded his apology. Sam is now at the mercy of Bill and his choice to forgive him or not for the infraction. Even though he will not get his pudding cup back, the ball is now in his court and he gets to make the decision, not Sam. 

He did not have a choice to eat his pudding cup. That choice was taken away from him. But he has a choice now. The scale will be tipped in Bill's favor until he makes the choice to balance it again by forgiving Sam. 

How we apologize and forgive each other can be very shallow with the "fire and forget" form of, "I'm sorry," or it can be meaningful and sincere by shifting the power imbalance to the injured person and allowing them to shift the scale back to zero. By placing meaning, feeling, and sincerity behind an apology, it will also speed up the healing process and let us get back to being friends, and hopefully eating pudding!

Try this technique the next time you have to apologize for something. You will feel a twinge of uneasiness as you realize you have given up all power on whether you will be forgiven or not. That decision is not up to you. It is up to the person you wronged. 

Gain control of your life while homeschooling: 3 Tips

Most of us had very little time to prepare for our kiddos to be home with us ALL THE TIME!
Not only that but now we need to not only be parents but also teachers. Both of those things are full-time jobs. That's on top of your regular job if you still have one, or if you are working from home. That means that you have not one, but two, possibly three full-time jobs you are trying to do all at once. That's insane. Here are some tips to try and regain some control over your life.

1) Keep a Schedule: This is paramount. Everyone in the house when from being on a tight schedule to make the bus, make it to the office on time, etc. to basically no schedule or a haphazard schedule with about a day's notice. Regain some order by keeping a schedule, although it doesn't have to be as strict as before, it does have to have some rigidity to it.

Here is an example of a schedule I'm using with my nine-year-old son. Because I am me, I put it on a spreadsheet (it looks a lot like a football practice schedule...weird), printed it out, and put it in a document protector:

Before 7:30- Wake-up; Read for 20 min.; screen time
7:30- iPad is put away; Breakfast (TV Okay)
8:00- Morning chores; Some activity that blesses someone else (I want to stress placing other first)
10:00- Screen Free Free Time
12:00- Lunch (TV Okay); Academic Activity
1:30- Screen Free Free Time
3:30- Screen Time (Only if chores, blessing others, and academic activity are all complete)
4:30- Evening chores/Family dinner
6:00- Family time! Movie, Game, Walk, Screen Time
8:00- Bedtime routine; Sandwich (Not a snack, I'll explain later); pray; Mr. Rodgers
9:00- ASLEEP!

Your schedule should have a lot of flexibility built into is, but it should also have the key components of your day. As we move into an eLearning environment, maybe this schedule will change, but the framework will remain in place.

What is "Sandwich?"
We talk briefly about our day and then we each take turns with the following 3 questions that help us frame the day and set us up for prayer.
1) What is something I was grateful for today?
2) What is something I want to ask God to forgive me for today?
3) What is something that I am excited about tomorrow?

2) Read: We have been given a great opportunity to calm ourselves, slow down and read. I have made it a point as part of my schedule to get up at the same time every day
and read. Have your kids so the same thing. Make time to calm yourselves and read. Read by yourself, read with your kids, have your kids read by themselves and with you.

Making a habit of reading will set your children (and you!) up for success later in life. Insist on reading a little bit every day not as a punishment, but as a way of expanding knowledge and learning how to learn. What kind of books you ask? Any kind. You don't have to read books! Magazines and comics make great reading.

3) Write: This is something that I have forces to make a priority. Just like reading, writing can be a valuable, life-long skill. The only better to get better at it is to do it. Writing can take on many forms such as this blog, or a personal journal. It doesn't have to be much but set aside some time for you (and your kids!) to write a little bit every day. If you write for yourself, that's fantastic. If you write for someone else, you can really spread goodness. During this time of quarantine, most people head to the mailbox only to find bills and junk mail. Brighten their day by sending a handwritten letter or aa postcard. Not sure who to write to? Call your local nursing home and ask if there is someone there that you can be pen-pals with, even if it's a one-way relationship. With no visitation hours, I know
that there are some lonely folks who would love to get a letter in the mail!

A very good friend of mine set up a "pen pal project" with a bunch of her parent friends to get the kids writing. She carried into account ages and living arrangements and I am excited to see my son's face light up when he gets his first letter. I'm sure the same will be true on the other end.

This is a tough time for everyone, but we can make the most of it. Start with these simple tips to start to bring order back to your life. No one knows what the next day, week, or month will look like, but we can be certain that keeping a schedule, reading, and writing will never go out of style.

Also: Go take a shower and comb your hair. With all the barbershops and hair salons being closed, we may need to start getting creative!  As for me, I have a nice collection of hats.